My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
