who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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