he wants to bone in the snuggie
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
