every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
