I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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