I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
