bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
