just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize