You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
