12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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