I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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