Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
