I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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