Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
