I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
