Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
