Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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