I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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