I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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