i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
