It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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