1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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