he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
even my farts smell like vagina
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
