So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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