Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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