the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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