Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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