I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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