I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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