i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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