Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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