As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
