My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
