I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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