I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
