Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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