The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
