at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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