please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
