I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The air was thick with penises
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
