Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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