capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
