Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
