You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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