You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
