I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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