Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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