I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
