I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
