clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
