take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
