New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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