Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
