i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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