if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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