I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
