Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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