Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
